I decided to watch it at Jenn’s, and every time I drive there, I’m always thinking- I wonder if I’ll see James. He lives there ish too. I log on, watch the show. First IM goes to Amanda pre-sir. BAM. IM from James. 1 Minute later (literal minute), Dave IMs me. [ 20 minutes later is Dwy, but thats not huge ].  Wow. Of all the things, all the nights.  I got the usual from James, but it was a little more honest in the sense that he really just wanted a quickie.

I haven’t talked to Dave in nearly a month.  Since the incident, I tried to detach myself from him and not get so bummed out.  I know that I was way into it before, but I didn’t want it to keep hurting.  But every time I think I’m doing ok, just before the 2 week mark, he sends me some message/picture out of nowhere.  Nothing is really said. Then the same thing happens again.  That again was last night.  Today though, I kept trying to chat during work and he’s busy too, so it was a few texts over the entire day (up until he signed on).

We chatted. It was crazy though. Like, brief, but it was still something.  I went to the diner with the kids after the show and I was texting him.  He’s still a sweetheart.  Example: there was a coffee spill incident. I asked him if he fixes burns. His reply? With Kisses. C’mon.  I pulled a Family Guy line and said, “I should be there, not here” and he said, “Agreed.”  Dude. I would have.

I know he’s still on OKC. I have to deal. But I also want to think he’s too busy to be starting anything.  I told him that getting the pics out of nowhere feels like I’m not the intended recipient.  He said it was intentional.  Maybe there’s still something there.  I had this shpiel thought out, but I couldn’t even bring it up tonight.  We did establish that I’ve seen him more when he’s 6 hours away vs. when he’s about 25 miles. That’s not logical, but maybe we’re just busy people now.  When I was at work, I asked him if I’d ever get to see him, and I think I fell again when he said, “I’m trying.”

I believe.

I don’t know where I’m going. Maybe I should take my own words: Be true to yourself and things will fall into place.  I only know so much, and I think I need to take that chance, because hurt is inevitable, might as well make it worthwhile.

I don’t have many plans. I applied for this Lab Tech job, which sounded AMAYYYYZINGGG, but they’re looking for someone for a year-long contract. The lady said she’d keep me in mind though, so I’m optimistic.  I would love a lab job.

In a little while, I’m taking my brother to work and then I’m thinking about running to the mall. There are these super cute shoes (ew, I’m such a girl right now). Other than that, I have nothing to do. I read some of my book this morning- maybe pick up a new one too? Not that I don’t have enough books on my wall- I just want some more Susane Colasanti.  She’s good; she speaks to me.

This is another attempt at blogging more often. This morning, I read something off twitter from Deryck.  He made his own little blog-ish entry, and it makes me think. It pretty much says how people stopped dreaming and settle for boring lives and we should all live life.

Live your fucking lives, people.  Paying bills are one thing, but don’t sell yourself short.   Everyone lives with some regrets.  Just make sure you are regretting something you did, not something you didn’t do.

He speaks to me. Every time something like that comes up, I feel like I have the urge to really take a step towards it and do something worthwhile instead of sitting around. I personally feel I’m a little too uptight still. Jenn doesn’t agree, but maybe she’s biased I want to get more out of life- here’s to trying!

While we’re there, I’m working on letting go. I tend to dwell and I just need to make the best of what there is, because bumming around won’t get me where I want to be. I cannot keep holding myself back. Given, it’s not as easy as it seems; knowing myself, I’ll make it a little more difficult, but it’s something that is worth a shot. A shot I must take.

There’s this to-do list. I really should knock some of those out. I should revamp- or maybe just finish- kuro-shiro.net. That’d be great On top of that, who knows. I’ll try to keep posted.

I have no plans. I have no people. I’m sort of trying to spend some of my time out here to think, and get some of my own things done.  I have a few distractions that I need to work on.

Dave. He makes me stupid. He’s legit one of the best things to happen to me, but I realize, he deserves better. We met on OKC, and when he went off to school, he turned it off.  I got one of my emails about the people in my quiver the other day, and for fun, I decided to type in his username. Active. He’s definitely back. He’s also chatting up some new girls. That’s great- both sarcastically and legitimately.  We’re all looking for that someone, but I just wanted that someone to be him. I’ve always had the feeling that he wasn’t on the same page- and this sort of confirms it for me.

This makes no statement about friendship- not at all. He’s absolutely wonderful. I’m just getting the feeling that it’s time to move on (maybe should have seen it a while ago; maybe I shouldn’t get so attached).  He’s looking for something else…I wish him the best.

There are various other things that are happening that just have me so overwhelmed right now.  I accept full responsibility, but I wish things could be different. Things are changing and I need to grow up.

Lenny will be down this evening. I have a movie date with Kelsey later (she’s studying for her summer class); this is a process for getting back to life. I’ve disconnected.

It’s not that I keep hanging on- I’m never letting go