I mentioned it to Jenn, saying how I’d stop by his place for a bit then pick up a necklace from her that I’ve been meaning to get.  Done plan.

I got to his house, and in a few minutes, he came outside ran over to my car and got in on the passenger side.  he looked at me and said, Jeanne- How the fuck are you.  He brought up when we met, and how he must have come off as (nutbag).  We sat there and chatted for a while, and he was being pretty “honest” about things, in the sense that he was holding a conversation and seemingly playing the role of a friend.  Then he starts rolling in on how he’s apologizing for the past and how he really wants to start over and be friends, or even more.

He talks like Dave, which scares me.  I stopped being bitter about James a little while ago, but it’s not that I’ve forgotten what has happened.  I let go, but remember.  The entire rest of the night, we’re chatting, and from time to time, he throws in how he feels and wants us to spend time together and all the great things any girl would love to hear.  Any other occasion, I would have been the butter in the socks (thats right, incoherent statements is the true tale of emotions).  I want to believe him so bad, because it fucking sounds so good.  Trust, faith. He asked for both of those, which I said I didn’t know if I could do.  He said he understood that it’s gonna be hard, but he wants me to believe so bad.

At one point, we were even talking about the future, ish.  As much bad history we have, the good moments were grand. We got on the topic of kids, and I got to telling him how I planned on naming my son after my father, whose name is also James.  What a coincidence. But he was in such awe about that and said it was a great idea, and how he wanted to name his kid James too.  The fuckin 5th. James Patrick Butler V.  Oh, it’s almost like we should have kids to fulfill both naming desires. Yeahhh.  But I started telling him how everyone is getting knocked up. Even mentioned how K.Cush had her baby on Mother’s day.  I told him how I was wondering if I got knocked up, if it would ruin my career or if I could make it…he told me I could be a great mother. Wow.

He asked about my life and Dave even came up.  But that’s when it started getting difficult.  I like Dave a whole lot. Up until this past few days, I was totally ok with a future with him and all the grand things an insane person comes up with.  Then here comes James prancing back in, saying all the things I want to hear.  I will always have a soft spot for him- he was (is?) my Jake Ryan. I told him that.  Let’s say he’s being legit, he’s not a bad kid, and I’m honestly a little curious as to where it could go…then I think back to Dave, who is also all sorts of great, PLUS has never actually done anything to make me weary of him- although he has not vocalized how he feels, where as James has.

James took my hand and was trying to sell the point that he’s for real. For real. I haven’t used that since sophomore year when he said it.  He said he was mine. All of him was for me- I am the proud owner of the JPBIV, while he has no ownership of anything.  Kinda cute, but all still suspicious.

The thing about him is that, I always scenarios through my head. I replay events.  I think I have a verdict on where I stand with this.  I don’t believe his words, as much as he insists he is true and as much as I want to believe them.  BUT. I have thought about something for a long time now. Honesty is much appreciated.  Would I rather us be the sort of friends with benefits, as long as we both know there’s nothing more, or make believe it’s something really special when he’s really just using me.

The former is less heart breaking, in my opinion.  I starting questioning how I’d feel about Dave in this picture.  I almost feel guilty, but we don’t have an official title- nothing has been established.  I’d commit to unofficial exclusivity, but I don’t know where he stands on anything.  I think I’m just into him more than he is me :\ I know he’s really busy with school and seeing all his friends, but I honestly think that I would almost see James more in this situation only because he’s so much closer.  Ok. So he’s not the MOST upstanding citizen, and his past is kiiiinddaaa crummy- he’s definitely changed, but I also feel that old habits die hard.

I don’t believe that anyone can really be into me. I don’t believe him to be sincere about that. He just wants his dick wet. But we were sitting in my car for over 5 hours last night- got in around 4:30am.  That’s a lot of time for just wanting a little bit (which didn’t even happen).  That makes me want to think it’s different. He also said he’d call or txt around 3-4 today after work so we could maybe do something. That didn’t happen, and makes me think it’s all the same.  Maybe he has changed, just not for me.

I want Dave, but with James, it’s just nice to have a little attention once in a while. Goodness knows I don’t ever hear things like that.  What do I do. Oh hey Dave, since you’re busy, I’m just gonna go hang out with my ex who talks about us the way we talk about things. Oh, and he’s pulled out his penis- don’t worry. That’s not something to be concerned about u_u;;

1. I am a terrible person. 2. I’m a crazy bitch. 3. I have issues.

I spent the past four months of my life living away from home and more so, out of the country.  I have gone to school, and now I have completed a semester.  Looking back onto my time in London, I say it was well spent, but there are still many things I wish I could have done (more so budgeted for).

I won’t fill this with regrets- the future is still ahead of me. I made good of the time I had, and met some great people along the way. I’m going to miss this place, as expensive as it is.  Julia told me already that there’s going to be culture shock when I get back. What happens if I prefer Europe to America? Will I be harboring this Anti-Americanism feel in my heart?

What’s next? Summer.  I always say this is going to be THE summer, but maybe this one is special.  I have a new culture under my belt; I’m going into Pharmacy School; I’m coming back to the people who defined my life, now a changed person.  There’s a boy in my life that I only just met less than a year ago- and he still talks to me! Ahaha….he’s great and makes me smile and happy all sorts the bunch.  I have it pretty good, I just don’t take the time to notice.

Sure there are things I want, or a number of people I may envy, but it’s not saying I don’t have much- I just find it to be a nice thought if I could have this other little piece too A new camera lens would be so nice, but it’s nothing I NEED. My mother wants to buy me a real bed for my house- I’ve been sleeping on a futon- but I honestly rather have a new lens than a bed. But what I REALLLY WANT is STORMTROOPER ARMOR! I’d sell a piece of myself for that. TK got it going on.

This is mostly a reflection piece to pass the time, but another bit is that I was chatting with D for a while, and he had to go, but said that he’d be back later, and I’m seeing if I can make it to later and chat some more.  With time difference and school, there’s not often a convenient time for us to talk.  I enjoy his company. I might shower in the mean time. I used to get so obsessive about being able to chat all the time whenever someone was on. Send me notifications so I didn’t miss a minute of potential chat time.  Not wanting to step away incase he might sign on.  I get crazy sometimes, but I’d like to think that I have gotten better…Sure I’m still bummed if I miss a chance, but I’m not dying. I’m not always there when you call, but I’m always on time, and I gave you my all, now baby be mine. Remember Ja and Ashanti?

Ok. So I’m going to go shower. Use up some shampoo and conditioner- take some weight out of my suitcases please!

I’m not in the mood to write the paper, so I am here. I’m still fighting with food and losing terribly. I’m avoiding my room because I just cannot stand to be around my room mate any more.  I have to wear shoes around the room because the floor is sticky. The entire place is a mess, and it smells.  She sits there, windows shut (so hot and stuffy), blinds down, lights off…watching her shows on youtube and the like.  She didn’t leave the room yesterday either.  I’m not going to counter her habits by being an ass- although I would like to very much.

I’m just going to take it easy tonight. I didn’t get much sleep the past 2 nights, and Yahoo has a new article linking lack of sleep and super early death.

There are so many things I have planned for the near future though. I’m super excited over those.  Alex and Lenny have been getting the house situated; I’m signing the lease when I get back. I have SO many pictures to upload. I can’t do that here since the internet is barely sustainable.  I should find a job at some point too.  I AM planning my quarterly trip out to Erie once I get back. I just need permission to go (considering I will have just gotten home.)  There was issues with that too, though.  Since my brother is now working, I don’t have a car to take out at my leisure. The job is supposed to cover that part for me :\ We’ll see.

I was in Paris this past weekend. So nice, but we also were there when they had their version of Labor Day, so everything was closed.  We were in Disneyland and that was great. Got my Indy AND STAR WARS in

Alright…I am going to try to get this reading done so I can try to start the paper tomorrow or so.

9 Days.